How To Die In Montana: A Comedy Guide

I've been thinking about wild ways to die in Montana. We will, of course, start with my real near-death experience.

The first one is true, the rest are fictional, as far as I know.

#5: From The Gutter To The Grave:

This TRUE story happened to me when I was bartending one night at the Branding Iron in Conrad.

A bowler came in and said there ball was stuck in the alley. Being the fool that I am, I tried the regular ways I'd seen balls retrieved, and I couldn't find it. Then I caught a glimpse of the ball at an angle and proceeded to crawl into the area where pins are set to get it. Little did I know, there were motion detectors there. (Before you ask, how I didn't think of that is beyond me.) All of a sudden, the pin setter starts coming directly for my head as the pin sweepers try to push me through. I held up the pin setter with my right hand and kept the sweeper at bay as the customers went and got the fireman that was in the bar that night. He jammed up the sweeper which stopped the pin setter. I have rarely been that shaken. I had a bruise from the top of my hand to 3-4 inches down my wrist from the pressure. It was so damned scary.

#4: Spoiler: Bob Doesn’t Live Here

Imagine heading out to the Bob Marshall Wilderness to look for the founder, Bob. The blue circle spinning and spinning and your phone displaying the message, "You're on your own, buddy." The only thing missing from this scenario is a long bloody cut and a bear down wind.

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#3: Eight Seconds On A Bull Elk = Lifetime Regret

If you're planning to go all Elk Rodeo on your Montana vacation, here are some tips:

• Don't
• But if you do, have your will updated
• Yelling "YEEEEHAW" just pisses off the elk more

#2: Beartooth Pass: Nature’s Slip ’n Slide of Doom

Remember, gravity hits a little differently at almost 11,000 feet, so do the rocks. Don't forget, gravity doesn't negotiate and helmets are for the weak.

#1: Montana’s Deadliest Dairy Job: Grizzly Bear Milking

Step one is don't. If you must, remember, talk nicely to bears. If you're sarcastic to them they will literally bite your face off.

READ MORE: Animals You Should Never Milk In Montana